Learning a perpetual life lesson: that is how I
viewed the intensive, dreadful yet grace-filled encounter with the LORD within
33-days of directed retreat; a lesson worthy to be carried out for the rest of
my life. It enables me to heighten my sensitivity in viewing ordinary life
situation in relation to God who made all these things possible. The practice
of discernment creates much impact in my life as an ordinary individual, as a
Christian and as a seminarian. It is a perpetual life lesson because its effect
and value goes beyond time and occasion. It caused me much in changing my
personal paradigm – viewing and judging things not according to my subjective
optics but through a loving optic manifested in the life of Jesus Christ of
whom I contemplate.
Such lesson I learn does not occur in an ordinary
class room setting. I did not hear it from a class discussion of a prominent professor,
neither from books nor from any other printed materials. I learn it from a
series of long waiting; patiently waiting for God to enter where I was. The
waiting process was not that easy. It was dimly clouded with varied emotions
and internal movements: from fear of what will happen to me during the long
retreat, bearing many questions and doubts in mind, to the feeling of
excitement given the opportunity to enter into this once in a lifetime meeting
of this life-giving God; from a struggle of not able to pray well to the
consoling feeling of wanting to spend more time to pray; from being burdened by
just looking at my shattered history to the light and soothing feeling of being forgiven; from confusion
hearing an advice to leave the retreat to a moment of enlightenment and a
greater appreciation of what discernment of spirits is all about; from a lesser
desire to pray because of the thought of extending the retreat to a greater
desire to pray to somehow know and learn to love the way the LORD loves.
My 33-days of being with the LORD may symbolize with
a nail – a strong metal pin with a flat head and a pointed end that is hammered
into wood or masonry and used to fasten objects together or hang something
on. An instrument has no use without a
hand that holds on it and hammers it on. There I see myself, like a nail, an
insignificant creature apart from the creator, losing its effectiveness and
value apart from the one who suppose to hold me. Losing that grip might miss to
hit the head of the nail. It’s a fall short. Life at times is like that.
Through the years I realized I was becoming too
self-sufficient. I thought I had the capacity to manage myself completely. I
was then tempted to own my unique giftedness and the “givens” of my world
forgetting the Giver himself. It pained me so much to accept that I was on that
state realizing the various instances of fall shorts in thoughts, words,
actions and even making significant decision in my life. It takes a lot of
courage and maturity to own that part of me has went wrong and that I need some
modification over my life. I, then, realized that my life was bended. It was
twisted yet the LORD was patiently working through me and that gradually
transform me so that I could still be usable again.
Looking at Jesus’ way of life, there I saw a very
significant life lesson, being simple and ordinary. Qualities that are rooted
in His obedience to the Father’s will and it was on this aspect of my life that
the LORD was working by rearranging my attitudes, preferences and even my
disposition in prayer. The call of a higher degree of obedience kept on lingering
through my senses of which I felt that it was truly hard and painful. Yet the
LORD has graced me with the gift of openness to be naked before His presence
and to my spiritual guide. This grace of openness and trust helped me to feel
and understand better what obedience is all about. To allow myself to be
handled and cared by someone even at times contrary to my own free choice.
Obedience, therefore, is knowing how to bend my own will and the willingness to
act what the LORD wants for the greater good. To bend wills is to do something
the way we think He does. It is acting on/for something by appropriating how
the LORD acts and reacts in a given situation. I know this is not an easy call
to practice for it needs greater and longer time for discernment. And the
spiritual exercises provided a fertile ground for this.
The words of St. Paul in his letter to the
Philippians sounded so personal to me “I can
do all things in Him who strengthens me”. The way I understand it is doing
things not because of my own effort and potentialities but through Jesus who
enables me to do such things. I discovered many things in my life, I valued and
acknowledged my talents and the possible things I can do but I realized that it
was not because of my own effort alone rather it is His grace working in and
through me. And so bragging and self-sufficiency has no space in my life. I
don’t have anything and I am nothing without this God who strengthens me. My
act of doing is just a faithful response to the grace that I received through
his mercy. And I think this is what it is to be passive; this is what
indifference means.
Even in the context of prayer, I thought doing much
effort in preparing myself and the materials for prayer would caused more
meaning and fruitfulness in my formal prayer periods but I truly proved it wrong.
Before, I already heard it but now I truly am able to experience and learn it
by heart that prayer is basically a moment of grace where encounter happens. Those
moments of dryness and seemingly nothingness of God in prayer became my best teacher
as I gradually learn to practice the gift of obedience and indifference before
a God who is so unique in manifesting his presence in me. Gradually, I was
graced by God to be just ‘there’ letting Him to manifest himself in a much
unknown way contrary to what I expect. There I saw a God who is like a
carpenter rebuilding my broken self. A God who accepts, respects and welcomes
where I am, just as he accepted the kind of faith St. Thomas has.
Lansang can be the best representation of me –bended,
twisted, weak, deform caused by many fall shorts, not perfect because of the
varied instances of misusing the giftedness that the LORD had given. But it was
on this retreat that I felt how the LORD was trying to repair my bended self.
He was patiently hammering my life allowing me to re-align myself to be used
again for a greater purpose. The hammering process was not that easy not
because of my hardiness but the feeling of guilt and shame gazing so closely at
this God who sees me differently and loved me beyond what human love means. Such
an experience evoke in me an interior knowledge that my life was truly not mine
to take and it is a visible manifestation of His great mercy working though me.
There I was able to appreciate more the song “Take LORD, receive”.
Lastly,
it is my ardent prayer that whatever things I learn and experience during the
retreat I may be able to remember it and practice it for life. These lasting
memories with the LORD would serve as a nail that makes firm the connection of
both ends- my desire and God’s grace. I still don’t know what lies ahead, but these
loving memories would truly make a greater difference in viewing life even in
moments of frustrations and darkness. This emotional knowledge and
connectedness through constant prayer and discernment would serve as my
foundation as I advance in my priestly formation and I would cherish it for the
rest of my life. Failures, dryness, frustrations, pains, darkness might come but
such an experience would not caused me to be blinded but rather recognize him
more even in the midst of it all and say, it is the LORD.
